So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
