Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
