that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
The beers last night were like the tears from god
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Randomize
