Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
