I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
