Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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