im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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