This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
