are you so shy because you have an std?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
