he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Randomize
