tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
