Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
