How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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