my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
