Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
