WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
