Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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