I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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