my phone needs a breathalizer
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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