You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
