just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Randomize
