hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
