Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
