There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
