The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
