You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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