I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
