Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
it glows. i had to have it.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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