He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
COCAINE IS GR8
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