im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
