I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
