toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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