Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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