Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
