i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
