Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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