i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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