My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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