I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
