i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
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