my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Randomize
