hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize