someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
