I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
