saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
