if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
