Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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