just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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