My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
