My sheets look like a crime scene.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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