the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Randomize
