I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
