I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
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