apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
